Today I wanted to share some things on my heart. Maybe it's a way to help another that may be carrying pain. Or in some ways this blog has been like chapters in my life that I sometimes like to look back on for sweet memories...but also, hopefully, to learn and grow.
I know I have shared a lot of my journey on here. I have gone through some of the darkest and most difficult days of my life while I've been blogging. Dealing with my former MIL's growing Alzheimer's, care giving for her, then her eventual long term care facility admittance...and ultimately her death.
And also during that time I went through many things: trying to help my ex through some of his darkest days, dealing with another person actively destroying the life I knew, and the toll all of it took on my marriage...and eventually led to our divorce.
Through all of that I know I have, at times, channeled my pain, bitterness, hurt, and even fears in various posts on here. I know I'm human. I know God gives me His grace and forgiveness - and so, as His daughter, I have given myself a lot too.
I am the happiest I have ever been. I give all praise and glory to the Lord for the many many gifts in my life. I wake up and pray and do devotional time and then go live my days trying to be the best servant I can to Him. Being the best mother I can be. The best fiancee. The best family member and friend. And the best hospice worker I'm capable of being - always asking Him to use me in His name.
And I always say the same prayer within that devotional time: asking Jesus to be ever on my mind, my lips, and my heart....so when others see and hear me, they really see and hear Him. And I know there are far too many times I fail. But I know there are so many times I succeed in His name and help others. Reach others. Forgive others. Love, share, volunteer, give in the ways I know He wants of me.
My point here is this. There are many kinds of "health". In this year of such happiness and big events (my daughter graduating and the last to the leave the nest...and the wedding of Matthew & I) I am working hard to feel the best physically that I'm able. Working out. Healthier eating habits. And emotionally too by sharing with Matt, my mom or friends when I struggle.
By praying. Going for walks. Journaling etc.
But the biggest and most important part is I am working to be healthy spiritually.
I go to church. I read His word daily. I go to Him as a best friend in prayer, talking, sharing, asking forgiveness EVERY SINGLE DAY, and just loving Him with all of my heart. And I didn't used to be such a devoted follower - but that is what truly changed everything in my life. And has continued to help me be the healthiest I can hope to be. And it's still something I actively work at every single day. To improve upon. And I'm so grateful for a partner in Matt who understands and shares so much of that part of the journey with me too. ❤️
I hope that those I may have ever affected in my words or deeds will have compassion for my pain. That they will know I ask forgiveness of them as much as of my Lord. And I hope that anyone who lives in a place of anger, bitterness, sadness, pain, hopelessness will find their way to Him. And answers to heal, change, grow and become healthy too.
The moment I truly stopped trying to control everything in my life. Stopped trying to hold on to the anger and pain so tightly.... and instead truly started to let it go and believed in His plans for me, even in the depths of pain. Well that's when everything changed. It didn't feel so overwhelming and difficult anymore. I could feel the healing in my heart. And that's when Matt came into my life too. Because God's timing is amazing and He knew my heart could be open and could trust someone again. And where I live the most in my relationship with the Lord, besides my love, is complete and utter gratitude. I am so grateful for His gifts and tell Him that daily.
Thanks for letting me share so much with you in this lengthy post. I wanted to leave you with one of my favorite passages in the bible that I hold on to every day...especially the darkest ones.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. "
Proverbs 3:5-6
Blessings always. xoxo
