Hello and Happy Monday my dear Friends
First of all, I wanted to thank you all so much for your heartfelt words of support and the prayers you have shared....both here and behind the scenes. I have felt them all go straight to my heart and they have given me such strength and healing. ❤️ I will share a little more about things, but then I will be moving on and not giving the negativity of this topic anymore time on this space that I enjoy so much. It has felt empowering to finally share my truth (stand up for myself in a way) and to feel the warmth of love and support.
It has continued to be difficult. Especially to see the kids express their disgust and disappointment in their Dad, and continue to distance from him in many ways. That they hurt by choices that he has made over them. I had protected them, especially Annie, for a long time and fought so hard to help Ad. But now that she is obviously aware it's so sad to see her heart broken by a guy, when she hasn't even started dating yet. 😢 To have that guy be her Dad is incredibly hard to witness. And it's frustrating to know if he'd just made healthier choices, or had a different person in his life, this would all be different. Or that he'd even just been honest, as he still isn't owning anything about what is real in his life. I think even with himself. It is truly so sad.
When I was worrying and caring about him and buying into his manipulations of how lonely he was and hating his life - he would also say things about how I'll never be able to help him. He has said so many times, "You can't save me. I wrecked everything and now I'm living the life I deserve". It's all just so heartbreaking knowing he's still unhappy...but won't forgive himself enough to rise above this life he's chosen. As a recent thing Aaron saw on social media and sent me says 'A man would rather start a billion dollar company than go to therapy' - sad but true. And now he's losing his kids more and more because of it. They have seen messages that his gf has sent me, calling me old and fat and other mature things that I tell them amuse me and I just accept as badges of honor. I'm sure that is all a 20-something person sees when they look at 49 year old me. I've earned these wrinkles and this body creating a family with the man who was my best friend and partner for nearly 30 years. And dealing with the stress of caring for his Mom for many years and worrying about him. And I would make the same choices all again for the blessings I have that far outweigh the pain. The saddest part is knowing Ad's current choices aren't bringing him blessings, as the kids have said they see he's still a very unhappy man. I have told them we will all just need time and reassured them that it's okay to take as much time and space as they need from their dad. I keep telling them I believe their Dad loves them and to keep praying for his healing and eyes to be opened to them. I have been doting on the kiddos, but the sweetest thing is they have been worrying so much about me. They have been extra loving and helping me around the house and snuggling me and we have had some great heart to hearts. I adore them so much, but I want to be the strong one for them. So I have started back to therapy. I saw a therapist during our marriage problems and it helped me so much to have outside perspective and guidance. I hope taking these steps will help me find the peace I want for us all, and to find constructive ways to heal and move forward. I just keep reassuring the kids that I'm always here for them and that they will always be my priority. Ad continues to fulfill his obligations to us and I am always grateful for that.
Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding Friends. I ask for continued prayers for peace and healing for our family.
In the midst of all of this I have been working for some time on finding my future path. I have done a lot of research (& prayer) about where I want to focus my time and energy to serve others and I have finally found it!! I begin classes in a month! I feel absolutely called to this (thank you Lord!) and I'm so excited. I will be working to get a certification in becoming an end of life doula. I was a social worker in long term care for many years and dealt a lot with end of life. And I have volunteered for the past 3 years in hospice through a local organization, but this certification will give me even more tools to assist with easing physical pain, advocating for the patient, and counseling of family. It will also allow me to be in private practice. I feel such joy and excitement to find this path I believe is meant for me! 😊🙏
Thank you again for generously allowing me to share my pain in these past few weeks. I believe that just like Spring to come - new life is ahead. As the saying goes "may the flowers remind us why the rain was so necessary"
Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead 🌸
THE WEATHER OUTSIDE IS:
we have been getting some great weather and it's been wonderful ☀️
ON THE BREAKFAST PLATE THIS MORNING
piece of lefse, fruit, coffee
HOW I AM FEELING THIS MORNING:
Feeling like the sunshine - bright and beautiful and ready to shine on the days ahead 😊
ON MY MIND:
It may sound crazy but actually dating is because I was asked out recently. Even though I declined, it got me thinking about not giving up on love and being in a long term relationship again one day. I want to continue focusing on the kids and my schooling ahead, but I trust in God's timing and what is meant to be and that He will lead me to a really good kind man. I don't want all that has been done to me to transfer into a future relationship....that I will be able to trust again. That's also why I believe therapy will be helpful. Even after the initial affair was done to me, I still gave him the benefit of the doubt these past years, and believed the things he said and still cared about him, and the damage of finding out the truth about him has run deep. And also the ways in which all of this has made me feel lesser or like I have an expiration date. No man should ever make any woman feel that way. Let alone the one you gave your whole heart, life and youth to for 30 years.
But I know the Lord knows the desires of my heart are to share life with someone again, so I don't even doubt that it will happen. And I want to be an example for my kids, that you can rise above your pain and that it's not healthy to hold onto it. To get up, heal, and still embrace the wonderful things in life.
One day soon I will be ready for that kind of happiness again. 💕
AS I LOOK AROUND THE HOUSE
The sun keeps shining each day. It's streaming in now. It's been so nice to see and feel and that it remains light so much later now. Loving that! Also, fun to see all my Springy things and bunnies and flowers around the house.
I have started another Susan Branch book I read before, but I will dive into the pile of new books I have after that!
ON THE TV TODAY:
Spring Baking Championship, Escape to the Chateau, the Good Doctor,New Amsterdam, Masked Singer, Greys Anatomy, the Resident, The Chase, The Hustler, Miss Scarlet and the Duke, the Unicorn, This is Us, The Rookie, Men in Kilts: a roadtrip with Sam & Graham, When Calls the Heart
ON THE MENU THIS WEEK:
MONDAY - easy night? (hockey game)
TUESDAY - crepes with lemon topping and fruit, bacon
WEDNESDAY - chili coconut curry with carrot speckled rice (HF meal)
THURSDAY - sirloin steak with roasted garlic pan sauce, mashed potatoes & broccoli (HF meal)
FRIDAY - butternut squash agnolotti with kale & sage brown butter sauce (HF meal)
TO RELAX THIS WEEK I WILL:
be out in the sunshine, read, play cards with my Mom, zoom with gf's
FROM THE CAMERA:
Spring has sprung, inside at least 🐰 🌸
A neighbor bestie brought us homemade lefse last week, with sugar & ceylon cinnamon to put on top. And she just brought us some more. It's SO good!!
I went walking with that same bestie this weekend, and then we went back to her house for coffee and I brought the treat! Homemade cinnamon, chocolate swirl bread I had made. It's really yummy 😋. The kids said they love it and it's a nice change from all the banana bread. Lol I will share the recipe this week.
I pray for an end to this virus. For peace, healing and unity in our world. I pray for anyone sick, suffering, isolated, and afraid - for their peace and comfort. Please Lord give strength to those fighting the virus on the frontlines. 🙏 And may the vaccines continue to help the numbers go down and life become more normal.
For my family and all we're going through right now. Please heal our hearts. And please help Ad find himself again and become the father he should be for the sakes of the kids. For all the women that are going through, or have gone through, the same kinds of betrayal and pain. I pray for their strength and grace in getting through it and for their healing out the other side. That they know they are beautiful and worthy and that they never let a man make them feel they have an expiration date.