Wordfull Wednesday: So Many Memories

 

So many memories. Sitting on shelves in various ways. Albums, loose photos, camcorder video CD's... 

There was so much pain when I split up from my ex 6 years ago. We had tried to work on things. Both of us didn't want to give up. But we eventually knew it was never going to work again. Too much damage had been done from his affair. He had lost respect in himself and I had lost respect in him. Even if I could forgive, how do you trust someone and be in love with them when you don't respect them anymore? And what about respecting myself and our daughter watching and having her know her own self worth and what she deserves in a relationship one day? It's, sadly, a common tale that I have had too many women reach out to me and share their stories through the years. Some even blogging friends. And two more instagram friends just shared recently too. When they reach out and ask me about things - I try to talk about grace, forgiveness, empowerment and self-love. And especially about how it all gets better over time. 

So, as you can understand, lots of pain and tainting of all of our old family memories had me stashing them away in cabinets and on shelves. But I've been pulling them out recently. I have my own office/craft space now. And I've been working on lots of Annie's senior class projects and things. However, pulling out some of these old family pictures/albums the other day had me realizing how far behind I was in our old family and trip albums (for obvious reasons). As I sat there looking at them, I realized how far I have come and how much life has changed. How much I've healed. How happy and secure I am in myself and my love and future marriage to Matt. And how well my kids are doing now. They both have a good relationship with their dad. They were on a recent trip with him and shared about the things that are better now, and some things they still tolerate in his life(can even poke fun at now) but overall, are in a really good place with him. They are happy well-adjusted young adults and I'm so very grateful for that. 🙏🏻💕

And the pain I used to feel when I would look at those old photos or home movies, isn't there anymore. I feel fondness towards the memories of what used to be and the almost 30 years that were truly wonderful and special. We were best friends and close from the time we were 15 years old, then started dating at 16. Married at 24 and didn't start having kids until we were 29. Had these amazing kiddos and such fun as a family. Then we almost made it to a 25th wedding anniversary and over 30 years together. That is worth something in my mind and heart now. Especially when I know it was all worth something to our children. And so for them I want to finish those albums. Let them have the gift one day of looking back and treasuring the memories of their youth and where they came from. 

And in my own way, to honor those young kids who grew up together and shared so much love and friendship once. They are a part of me forever. Just like the 2 best gifts we created in this life are a part of us both, always.

xoxo

Five on Friday: Beauty Edition

 

Hello Friends! 

Are you getting ready to head into a fun weekend ahead? I hope so. ☀️

Today, I thought I'd do another 5 on Friday and that I'd share some  things that make me feel beautiful. I think a lot of us women, especially through this mid-life aging process, like to seek what makes us feel more beautiful in every way. So I don't just mean physically. I'd also like to focus on all of the realms of my life: physically, mental/emotional, and spiritually. So here are five things that I find I love to help me in this beauty seeking journey. I plan to be very candid about a few things, so buckle up. Lol

ONE

The first couple have to do with physical beauty. I'm sure you're wondering why I shared a photo of rubber gloves - but it's because I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THEM. 😂 

As I've aged I noticed the toll doing some dishes by hand, and doing other cleaning projects, were having on my hands and fingernails. Cracked, dry, weak nails etc. I decided to start getting old school rubber gloves to protect them and it has helped tremendously!! I often keep hand lotion by the sink too - for moisturizing after daily handwashing  too. It all truly helps with making me feel like my hands stay healthier and prettier. 

TWO

I also thought I'd share some of my tried and true "beauty" products that I use regularly. As you can see, I'm an Olay girl through and through. I also love Thayers facial toner and use it every night. My normal skin regimen is to start the day with a clean face using gentle cleanser. I use Olay complete moisturizer, and in the summer I make sure I use one with SPF in it. At night I remove my makeup with gentle cleansers and then use the Thayers toner. Once that's dry (usually after I brush my teeth). I put on Olay regenerist night cream and Olay eyes with collagen and peptide on my eyes. I have been using most of these products for years and they have helped my skin stay healthy and that makes me feel beautiful.  I think a big part of physical beauty for me is health focused and in how I work to take care of myself: eat right, drinking lots of water and moving my body in some way everyday. I'm on hardly any medication. I take a half pill of the smallest dose of a blood pressure med and that's it besides vitamins and an allergy pill. I'll take that at almost 53 years young!

THREE

I wanted to share something that has also really helped me as a mid-life woman. If you're offended by talk of sexual health - then feel free to skip reading this. But I think women should never be ashamed of this topic. And I feel it can be a big part of our health if we want it to be. I've always been a very physical person on several levels: affection, being active, playing sports, and yes, sex. It was a big part of our connection through all the years with my ex and it's a big part of a loving connection with my dear Matthew. It's also a way I feel beautiful as a woman. 

As I've aged I noticed...just like many parts of my body...things were changing  and that included in the vaginal area and how being intimate could be more uncomfortable. I talked to my doctor about it and this was recommended. Well for me it has been LIFE CHANGING. I had other issues in that area sometimes, besides intimacy things, and it has helped with all of it. It is a hormone cream that helps to, shall I say, plump and make things more youthful. I also want to throw in that I do kegel exercises with my regular workouts, which I feel helps combat aging in this area too. I wanted to share this in case any of you are having issues and didn't know there was something out there that could help. If you are, I highly recommend talking to your doctor about it. 

FOUR

I also wanted to touch on my spiritual health and how it helps me feel attractive in many ways. This also touches a lot on how mentally and emotionally I feel solid/whole/complete....which I believe shines on the outside of a person and I know it makes me feel beautiful in the most important ways. 

As women I think we can tend to sacrifice a lot of ourselves for our families. Being a wife and mother, as well as family member and friend to others - can have us often putting ourselves last on the list. I know many of you know my story - but I want to share some things that I hope will help you see the ways having God as a foundation has helped me in everything...but specifically in this instance - how He helped me feel "beautiful" again.

When I was in my mid 40's my kids were getting older and more independent, and my MIL, with alzheimers, had gone into a facility after I had been helping care for her for many years. So I was finally thinking about how I wanted to focus on myself - get more fit, healthier, do volunteer work, pursue passions etc. But I was thrown a curveball as during this time I discovered my ex was having an affair with someone half his age that worked for him. Beyond the obvious hurt and trauma of feeling like I was losing someone I had loved and built a life with for almost 30 years... I also felt like I became old and ugly overnight. My ex had always made me feel beautiful. And I had also worked hard to get to the age where I didn't dwell on my physical beauty the same way. I felt I finally really loved and accepted myself no matter what. But here I was - my self-esteem, my self worth, and how I saw myself as a woman all took a huge hit. It was such a difficult time because my ex would still tell me I was beautiful and how he loved me ...but then ultimately never stopped seeing her. It messed with my head and emotions a lot. It also didn't help that this other woman insulted my faith and made fun of my age and looks and never shared any real remorse with me over what she had done in helping destroy our family. And when he continued to value her and had her move in several years ago - it all felt traumatic, unbelievable, and  like I would never have a light in me again.  I felt old, ugly, obsolete. I kept my focus on my kids and had wonderful help from family and friends. But it didn't change how I saw myself.

But during this worst time of my life I never stopped turning to the Lord. Reading His word. Going to church. Doing devotional time and talking it out with Him. And His voice kept coming to me - telling me I was His daughter and that there was purpose in this pain. That I was a beautiful person in every way and there was a plan for me. He led me to hospice work. To helping others in a way that made me not think of myself. That work helps me feel the beauty in all life and how we're all not of this world - but of the next. I also had women from many areas of my life (blogging friends, hospice workers, even a neighbor) come to me to share their similar stories. We help each other learn and grow through the pain we've been put through. Empowering one another to move forward in healthy and purposeful ways. And through all of this I was able to learn so much about myself and who I really am. And I learned to love myself again. To see my beauty and self worth when I look in the mirror. 

I realized that for so long I still felt my self worth was tied up in my ex...needing to be accepted by him and be friends with him... and also worrying for his health and happiness.  I knew I had to learn to let go of it all. That the person he now values at the end of the day is inconsequential to my life and I accept she's forever a part of his as she lives with him, works in his offices and will be in my kids' lives. I finally realized that his issues are not mine to carry - and that it was okay to let go. To remember the wonderful memories and the good, but that he doesn't have to fit into my current life other than a co-parent. I'm grateful that we are decent and even kind to one another now. In the past he used to get upset with my dating and now he has expressed his happiness for Matt & I getting married. He is good to the kids and I in many ways and I let him know how much I appreciate that whenever I need to communicate with him.  But what I realized most is that the ultimate opinion that matters is my Heavenly Father's. And how He loves me and values me. What helps me on the really difficult days is to read His words about forgiveness. Putting my focus there and choosing that brings such a freedom and peace. My point here is that my faith and trust in the Lord makes me feel so loved and beautiful and happy in ways I can't put into words. So if you relate with my story in any way please know that I get your pain. I'm still surviving it and it gets better all the time. Sharing my story through the years has helped, especially in connecting with others. 

And know that I found my inner "beauty" and freedom in prayer, forgiveness and accepting my ex's new life and I wish the best for him. I leave the rest in God's hands always. 🙏🏻💕

But if you have suffered in similar ways please know most of all that you are gorgeous and seen and worthy beyond belief!

And, as you know,  that faith and trust in the Lord ultimately led me to the most wonderful and loving partner/friend/soulmate in the whole wide world. Which leads me to number 5 for this week....

FIVE

I think what makes me feel beautiful as a human being on this earth is the purpose the Lord gives me in my life here. Going where He leads me to try to help others. But my heart swells most with the purpose I know God gave me as a wife and mother. So I feel beyond blessed for the amazing gifts He gave me in my son and daughter and in Matt. And they make me feel unconditionally loved, appreciated, and so very beautiful every single day. 

It doesn't hurt that Matt compliments me all the time and makes me feel like I'm one gorgeous babe. Lol 😁

 All I know is the love I see in my kids' and Matt's eyes makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.

I would love to know what makes you feel beautiful? 

Blessings always.

xoxo

 

Happy Homemaker Monday

Happy Monday! 

It's a gloomy wet one here today. But on the plus side I don't have to water all my flowers. 😉 

We had such a wonderful visit with Aaron here and it was hard watching him leave. But it sounds like there's a good chance he'll be able to move back by the end of the summer!! Yay!

It was a wonderful weekend here. Walks with Ruby. I love that Matt loves walking too so we walk 2 & 3 miles when we go out. We saw the new Top Gun movie and had dinner at a different sushi place over the weekend and both were awesome!! But on a bummer note - Matt woke up not feeling great over the weekend and I gave him a test and he has covid. He has been vaccinated, but was due for the booster and didn't get it yet. I think with his busy work around lots of folks - he finally succumbed. He's actually never had it until now. So he is now quarantined up at his cabin. He feels kind of flu-like but overall okay, thank goodness! He's getting good rest. I have been up-to-date with booster and so far I feel just fine. Tested negative and I'm keeping an eye out for any symptoms but hopefully will be fine. I lysoled the house everywhere. Lol And Annie was gone all weekend to hockey tourney - plus she's up-to-date with booster too. So hopefully all good here. This covid thing, unfortunately, just seems to be part of daily life now. 

 

THE WEATHER OUTSIDE IS:

   

 

ON THE BREAKFAST PLATE THIS MORNING:

a cutie orange, coffee

ON MY TO DO LIST:

chiropractor visits, errands, groceries, hospice work, haircut, Ruby grooming appt, trip planning, other work from home

THINKING ABOUT:  

That I'm glad Annie is able to get more time with her dad. She took a stand for a year not going to his house or seeing him much hoping he wouldn't be staying with the person that helped destroy our family. Let alone the fact she was once his secretary and half his age and it's embarrassing he chooses her and is in public with her now - like watching one of her hockey games with Ad this weekend. But Annie shared she was ready to tolerate being around her to be able to get more time with her dad. So she had to be around her a bit this weekend driving back from the tourney. Aaron was with for the drive too, so she said that helped and she didn't have to talk to her much. While Aaron was visiting here with me he shared that he doesn't care for her either, but has been okay tolerating her for the sake of his dad for a while now...  and I think his example has helped Annie. 

They both know they will always be my priority and that they are very loved. I have always encouraged their relationship with their dad and I believe it's important they have him too - even if he's going to continue to make a choice that hurts. It's all tragically disappointing really. But I'm so proud of them being able to rise above it in order to have what they need in their lives. 

 I think about how it's comforting for me seeing Ad more and more in the rear view mirror of my life. I know my kiddos are okay now  - and telling myself I don't have to be friends with my ex has been empowering to me. That I don't have to put that on myself, and I am just free from that chapter of my life. To be brutally honest about what's on my mind it's that I was so good to Ad - loved him deeply, was a kind, giving & faithful wife for 30 years, and I took great care of his parents and gave my all to him. And he hurt me in the worst ways someone ever could to another and he has to live with that and how our kids see him.

But I don't. 🙏  I pray for and daily work to choose forgiveness and to move on in the plans the Lord has for me in this chapter of my life. 

And I'm just so excited for this summer ahead and a future with the kindest partner I could have ever found. We have plans for lots of fun with my bestie and her hubby and with relatives and other friends. And for getting in lots of golf, pontoon rides, walks with Ruby and even a getaway together in the future. I do truly feel so blessed! 😊 

CURRENTLY READING

I recently got Valerie Bertinelli's new book - but haven't started it yet

ON THE TV TODAY:

Derry Girls on netflix (hilarious), Becoming Elizabeth, The Chase, America's Got Talent, Matt & I are planning to start Yellowstone together when he's back here

ON THE MENU THIS WEEK:

Need to eat up some leftovers and clean out the fridge before getting groceries. Annie and I will probably do pancakes this week. And red lobster biscuits with tomato soup and use up a salad kit. And I have broccoli to use up so probably pasta one night with roasted broccoli with lemon & parm. I'm also planning to bake banana bread to use up old bananas.

TO RELAX THIS WEEK I WILL:

hopefully read a bit, walk and play outside with Ruby, trip plan

TIPS OR SOMETHING TO SHARE:

This kind of cracked me up 🎶 

FROM THE CAMERA:

Still kind of below normal temps so often need to wear shorts with a sweatshirt or jacket. Hopefully will get "true" summer soon! ☀️ 

PRAYER LIST:

Prayers of gratitude that they have at least reached some bipartisan agreement on better screening about guns and better mental health support and red flag laws. It's a start. But I think it's going to take a lot more. Continued prayers for the people of Ukraine and for peace and healing in our world. 🙏 

PRAYER, INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE OR DEVOTIONAL:

I love the lyrics to the song SCARS by I Am They - I find them powerful and healing:

I'm linking with Sandra of Diary of a SAHM for Happy Homemaker Monday. Have a blessed day!