Happy Homemaker Monday

Hello and Happy Monday my dear Friends

First of all, I wanted to thank you all so much for your heartfelt words of support and the prayers you have shared....both here and behind the scenes. I have felt them all go straight to my heart and they have given me such strength and healing. ❤️  I will share a little more about things, but then I will be moving on and not giving the negativity of this topic anymore time on this space that I enjoy so much. It has felt empowering to finally share my truth (stand up for myself in a way) and to feel the warmth of love and support.

It has continued to be difficult. Especially to see the kids express their disgust and disappointment in their Dad, and continue to distance from him in many ways. That they hurt by choices that he has made over them.  I had protected them, especially Annie, for a long time and fought so hard to help Ad. But now that she is obviously aware  it's so sad to see her heart broken by a guy, when she hasn't even started dating yet. 😢 To have that guy be her Dad is incredibly hard to witness. And it's frustrating to know if he'd just made healthier choices, or had a different person in his life, this would all be different. Or that he'd even just been honest, as he still isn't owning anything about what is real in his life. I think even with himself. It is truly so sad. 

When I was worrying and caring about him and buying into his manipulations of how lonely he was and hating his life - he would also say things about how I'll never be able to help him. He has said so many times, "You can't save me. I wrecked everything and now I'm living the life I deserve".   It's all just so heartbreaking knowing he's still unhappy...but won't forgive himself enough to rise above this life he's chosen. As a recent thing Aaron saw on social media and sent me says 'A man would rather start a billion dollar company than go to therapy'  - sad but true. And now he's losing his kids more and more because of it.  They have seen messages that his gf has sent me, calling me old and fat and other mature things that I tell them amuse me and I just accept as badges of honor. I'm sure that is all a 20-something person sees when they look at 49 year old me. I've earned these wrinkles and this body creating a family with the man who was my best friend and partner for nearly 30 years. And dealing with the stress of caring for his Mom for many years and worrying about him.  And I would make the same choices all again for the blessings I have that far outweigh the pain. The saddest part is knowing Ad's current choices aren't bringing him blessings, as the kids have said they see he's still a very unhappy man. I have told them we will all just need time and reassured them that it's okay to take as much time and space as they need from their dad. I keep telling them I believe their Dad loves them and to keep praying for his healing and eyes to be opened to them. I have been doting on the kiddos, but the sweetest thing is they have been worrying so much about me. They have been extra loving and helping me around the house and snuggling me and we have had some great heart to hearts. I adore them so much, but I want to be the strong one for them. So I have started back to therapy. I saw a therapist during our marriage problems and it helped me so much to have outside perspective and guidance.  I hope taking these steps will help me find the peace I want for us all, and to find constructive ways to heal and move forward. I just keep reassuring the kids that I'm always here for them and that they will always be my priority. Ad continues to fulfill his obligations to us and I am always grateful for that. 

Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding Friends. I ask for continued prayers for peace and healing for our family. 

In the midst of all of this I have been working for some time on finding my future path. I have done a lot of research (& prayer) about where I want to focus my time and energy to serve others and I have finally found it!! I begin classes in a month! I feel absolutely called to this (thank you Lord!) and I'm so excited. I will be working to get a certification in becoming an end of life doula. I was a social worker in long term care for many years and dealt a lot with end of life. And I have volunteered for the past 3 years in hospice through a local organization, but this certification will give me even more tools to assist with easing physical pain, advocating for the patient, and counseling of family. It will also allow me to be in private practice. I feel such joy and excitement to find this path I believe is meant for me! 😊🙏 

Thank you again for generously allowing me to share my pain in these past few weeks. I believe that just like Spring to come - new life is ahead. As the saying goes "may the flowers remind us why the rain was so necessary"  

Wishing you all a wonderful week ahead 🌸 

 

 

 

THE WEATHER OUTSIDE IS:

we have been getting some great weather and it's been wonderful ☀️ 

ON THE BREAKFAST PLATE THIS MORNING

piece of lefse, fruit, coffee

HOW I AM FEELING THIS MORNING:

Feeling like the sunshine - bright and beautiful and ready to shine on the days ahead 😊 

ON MY MIND:

It may sound crazy but actually dating is because I was asked out recently.  Even though I declined, it got me thinking about not giving up on love and being in a long term relationship again one day.  I want to continue focusing on the kids and my schooling ahead, but I trust in God's timing and what is meant to be and that He will lead me to a really good kind man. I don't want all that has been done to me to transfer into a future relationship....that I will be able to trust again. That's also why I believe therapy will be helpful. Even after the initial affair was done to me, I still gave him the benefit of the doubt these past years, and believed the things he said and still cared about him, and the damage of finding out the truth about him has run deep. And also the ways in which all of this has made me feel lesser or like I have an expiration date. No man should ever make any woman feel that way. Let alone the one you gave your whole heart, life and youth to for 30 years.

But I know the Lord knows the desires of my heart are to share life with someone again, so I don't even doubt that it will happen. And I want to be an example for my kids, that you can rise above your pain and that it's not healthy to hold onto it. To get up, heal,  and still embrace the wonderful things in life.

 One day soon I will be ready for that kind of happiness again. 💕 

AS I LOOK AROUND THE HOUSE   

The sun keeps shining each day. It's streaming in now. It's been so nice to see and feel and that it remains light so much later now. Loving that! Also, fun to see all my Springy things and bunnies and flowers around the house. 

CURRENTLY READING

I have started another Susan Branch book I read before, but I will dive into the pile of new books I have after that!

ON THE TV TODAY:

 Spring Baking Championship, Escape to the Chateau, the Good Doctor,New Amsterdam, Masked Singer, Greys Anatomy, the Resident, The Chase, The Hustler, Miss Scarlet and the Duke, the Unicorn, This is Us,  The Rookie, Men in Kilts: a roadtrip with Sam & Graham, When Calls the Heart

 

ON THE MENU THIS WEEK:

MONDAY - easy night? (hockey game)

TUESDAY - crepes with lemon topping and fruit, bacon

WEDNESDAY -  chili coconut curry with carrot speckled rice (HF meal)

THURSDAY - sirloin steak with roasted garlic pan sauce, mashed potatoes & broccoli (HF meal)

FRIDAY - butternut squash agnolotti with kale & sage brown butter sauce (HF meal)

TO RELAX THIS WEEK I WILL:

be out in the sunshine, read, play cards with my Mom, zoom with gf's

FROM THE CAMERA:

Spring has sprung, inside at least 🐰 🌸 

A neighbor bestie brought us homemade lefse last week, with sugar & ceylon cinnamon to put on top. And she just brought us some more. It's SO good!! 

I went walking with that same bestie this weekend, and then we went back to her house for coffee and I brought the treat! Homemade cinnamon, chocolate swirl bread I had made. It's really yummy 😋. The kids said they love it and it's a nice change from all the banana bread. Lol I will share the recipe this week. 

PRAYER LIST:

I pray for an end to this virus. For peace, healing and unity in our world.  I pray for anyone sick, suffering, isolated, and afraid - for their peace and comfort. Please Lord give strength to those fighting the virus on the frontlines.  🙏 And may the vaccines continue to help the numbers go down and life become more normal.  

For my family and all we're going through right now. Please heal our hearts. And please help Ad find himself again and become the father he should be for the sakes of the kids.  For all the women that are going through, or have gone through, the same kinds of betrayal and pain. I pray for their strength and grace in getting through it and for their healing out the other side. That they know they are beautiful and worthy and that they never let a man make them feel they have an expiration date.  

PRAYER, INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE OR DEVOTIONAL:

I'm linking with Sandra of Diary of a SAHM for Happy Homemaker Monday.

Happy Homemaker Monday

Hello and Happy Monday Friends

How was your weekend? I hope you're starting this week out with sunshine ☀️ 

We had a pretty rough week here last week. I love and respect this place in blogland so much. I have become friends with so many of you and several even more so beyond the blog. This is a special space for me that I have shared many things about my life. I love keeping it positive and light in this space as a general rule for myself. Today, however, I want to share more fully my story as a way to explain what is going on around my home currently. I feel it is finally time to share this with you. 

I will start back to why Ad and I split up. Many of you probably remember me talking about his Mom and her alzheimers, which eventually led to her death. When she was starting to get bad Ad was struggling and what I now realize also included a mid life crisis that changed completely who he is in many profound ways. For those that don't know,  Adam was my high school sweetheart. We had been together since we were 16. He was my best friend, love of my life, partner in everything and husband. When we had been together for close to 30 years, and he was acting differently, I found out he had been having an affair. This was about 4 years ago. He showed such remorse, shared about untreated depression he had and I had such love and compassion for him that I forgave him and we agreed to work on our marriage. I fought so hard for our family. He never really tried and I finally had to realize our marriage wasn't going to work anymore. I have worked very hard to still be kind to him and try to have a good relationship for the sakes of the kids. The kids have been with me 97% of the time through all of this.  We give them the choice and that is what they have chosen. I have worked hard to teach them the importance of forgiveness and understanding and had encouraged them to work to build their relationships with their dad in their own ways. And throughout the past years of separation and eventual divorce, he had reassured me and my kids over and over that the woman he was with (whom we know) was not in his life that way anymore. Because at times I would still hear things about him, and I knew he babysat her dogs sometimes - but when confronted he would get angry, tell me he is always alone and go on to say things that made me feel for him and even worry about him being okay. This manipulation of me has gone on for years now and made it difficult for me to move on in my own life and relationships. I am the person I am and couldn't help caring about him, giving him a lot of credit for still being a good man and most of all for the kids' sakes. Well through certain circumstances I very recently found out directly from her they have still been involved and she thinks he's ashamed of her and why he's hiding her. He is a prominent businessman and I know when things came out he was incredibly embarrassed and ashamed because he became the cliche he always used to condemn in others: she was his secretary, literally half his age (she is young enough to be his daughter and closer to our son's age and he's 20), and covered with a sleeve of tattoos (in the past he expressed that he thought tattoos unprofessional). I know Adam did love me in the past and was always proud of me and the person I am - a college educated woman who left my career in social work and gave my life to this family, and he always said I was an amazing mom to our kids, and he would say how loving and caring I was - even caring for his Mom for years. So I understand that he's not proud of this relationship with her and all it represents. He stated through the years to me he never loved her or saw her as a forever kind of person to him. He would often say things about me being lucky I'm such a good person with lots to offer someone again someday, but that he won't have that because of the person he is and story he'd have to share. I do pity him. But I am grateful that all the manipulation he has had over me is now over! Like a weight lifted. But this has really hurt the kids and they are more distant from him again.  I love them so much and I still make sure they know they need their Dad and I am encouraging them to know he loves them and that they need him in their lives. But we are both letting them call the shots and give them space as needed. My heart breaks for their pain. And I have had my own feelings of humiliation because when I would hear things about him, even in divorce, I would always defend him to others. So this past week old wounds were reopened (it has felt like a 2nd betrayal), but also my eyes were opened to who he truly has become, and now I can move on. I fully accept reality and that I don't need to worry about him anymore. I have made sure the kids know I will always be here for them and they will always be my priority. That they are loved beyond measure and everything will be okay. But I needed to share that it has been a big blow to us. Almost a new grief that will take its own time to heal. I ask for prayers for my kiddos and their healing and hopefully a healthy relationship with Ad again one day. And I ask for prayers for Ad because I think he needs them most of all. And I am grateful for how he has continued to provide for us and help me with things around the house. He has been very good about his obligations and I have appreciated that. And I know I will be fine. I have my God and my faith, which has been my strength and absolute grace through all of this. I also have the best family and very close friends that have been there for me through it all. 

Thank you for letting me share. And for your love and support through all of these years in so many ways. I still want this to be a space of joy for me and that is where my focus will lie. But it feels great and freeing to finally share more of my life with you, my dear friends, who have become close with me here in this space. I treasure you all! 

Now onto this new day and the week ahead...

 

 

 

THE WEATHER OUTSIDE IS:

ON THE BREAKFAST PLATE THIS MORNING

buttered toast, coffee

HOW I AM FEELING THIS MORNING:

I am feeling free and ready for true healing and new beginnings 😊 

ON MY MIND:

How much I love my kids and that I just want them okay. How happy I am that they have still been thriving and that is because of me. I have had a strength I never knew was in me these past 4 years. But I know it has come from the Lord above and I praise Him so much for that.  🙏 I have had several women, I hardly knew before, reach out to me these past few years sharing their similar stories with me. Asking me advice how I had been able to forgive and handle things with grace and some of them have become very good friends of mine. As one said to me recently, we have been in the same war and that has bonded us.

AS I LOOK AROUND THE HOUSE   

The sun is shining in and it has felt so nice to have warmer, milder temps to enjoy and be outside with Ruby.

CURRENTLY READING

I haven't started a new book yet, have been reading some new magazines I picked up

ON THE TV TODAY:

 Spring Baking Championship, Escape to the Chateau on HGTV, the Resident, The Chase, The Hustler, Miss Scarlet and the Duke, American Housewife, This is Us,  The Rookie, Men in Kilts: a roadtrip with Sam & Graham (from Outlander), When Calls the Heart

 

ON THE MENU THIS WEEK:

MONDAY -  ?? maybe clean out the fridge

TUESDAY - banh mi meatball bowls (HF meal)

WEDNESDAY -  nacho chip crusted chicken, green pepper rice & fixings (HF meal)

THURSDAY - easy night (hockey) - subway?

FRIDAY - roasted garlic & zucchini flatbreads with white sauce, mozzarella & grape tomatoes (HF meal)

TO RELAX THIS WEEK I WILL:

dive into a movie, hang with my Mom, maybe lunch with a friend, enjoy the sunshine

FROM THE CAMERA:

One of my good friends that has been through the same "war" was there for me this past difficult week and sent me these gorgeous flowers. I have been doing lots of weeping in gratitude for the wonderful folks in my life 

My Bro and SIL lost one of their dogs a few months ago. And they just reserved this adorable husky puppy! 💕 

The power went out here this weekend and the kiddos and I lit lots of candles, built a fort in the living room, got Aaron's camping lantern and played goofy games in the dark. It turned out to be a pretty special night. 

I threw myself into cleaning out my closet this weekend, getting rid of things and lots of reorganization. 

PRAYER LIST:

I pray for an end to this virus. For peace, healing and unity in our world.  I pray for anyone sick, suffering, isolated, and afraid - for their peace and comfort. Please Lord give strength to those fighting the virus on the frontlines.  🙏 And may the vaccines continue to help the numbers go down and life become more normal.  

For my family and all we're going through right now.  For all the women that are going through the same kinds of betrayal and pain. I pray for their strength and grace in getting through it and for their healing out the other side. 

PRAYER, INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE OR DEVOTIONAL:

Dreaming on Spring ahead and the magic of new beginnings. Have a blessed week Friends. I'm linking with Sandra of Diary of a SAHM for Happy Homemaker Monday.