THINKING ABOUT:
Of course a lot about my sweet girl and all that is ahead. I'm so proud of her and so excited for her!
She was gone this weekend with her dad for a shopping weekend. I think back to when we struggled with money in our early days. All the years I was with him, by his side in the hard times, helping build his world. Creating a family and loving him so much, tolerating things in his world, and taking care of his folks etc. I watched Annie show me all of the things he bought her, the events he took her too this weekend etc. and how much money he spends on our kids and his world (in the past it almost felt to me like he thought he needed to buy them back). Besides that, Annie still tolerates being on trips like that with his girlfriend too - who is half his age and was the one that helped destroy our marriage and broke our family. Annie just talks in terms of the time she spend with her dad and enjoys that and she says "she's just there and it's fine" and Annie says she just focuses on her dad anyways, even if she doesn't get time with just him now. But in a way it's sad to me that she has to see this world of his that now is so hyper focused on valuing money, success and people that caused a lot of pain through the years.
I pray always that my children won't buy into a toxic culture that's wealth driven, and gives up so easily on what matters, is focused on success and income, and values only youth, the destruction of marriage and keeping the young women that contributed to it (my former SIL and her kids tolerate this in their worlds too and she vents to me at times the same pain). It's so sad to my heart because my ex and former BIL were once my family and meant so much to me. In other ways, though, I know how much of myself I lost in the later years with my ex because I swallowed so much of my faith for his sake (he has never believed). And I, too, bought into the material things of this world instead of being the daughter of the King I should have been - giving of myself in His name. Like I try to do daily for Him now. I now focus on what is beyond this world. And you can look at my pics and wonder if I realize this - but please know that I know how blessed I am. I know I live in a beautiful home etc, but it will never define my life. He is the one I thank every day for these blessings. If it were gone tomorrow it wouldn't matter as long as my loved ones were okay and as long as I'm always in God's hands. I just try to be a living example for my kiddos daily.
And I'm so grateful for Matt and all he brings to the table for our children too. He is such a healthy male influence and my kids both genuinely have shared how they love him and embrace him. He is a man of faith, understanding, patience, love, kindness, and he is so very genuine. He is thoughtful and giving in all the ways that matter. My kids vent things at time but are always kind to my ex's gf. I'm proud of that. It could have been so much easier if my ex had just found someone else more appropriate in his life and a healthier relationship. But I'm proud of our kids, and that they were able to find their way to have the relationship they need with their dad, in spite of it all. I just hate they know me so well and that deep down it still hurts who their dad values because of all he once meant to me, and all she damaged in me and took from my life with no remorse or repentance.
However, I'm glad they see me SO JOYFUL in my life now. And that they are well adjusted and happy young adults. I have a heart of pure gratitude for that! 😊💗 I just pray for the rest and wish better for all of our sakes.
I choose forgiveness every day and I will always want my ex to be happy.🙏🏻
AS I LOOK AROUND THE HOUSE
It's bright and sunny and I see the flowers Annie kept on the mantle Matt and I gave her for graduation with a heartfelt card we both wrote a long message to her in. :)