Hello and Happy Monday Friends
How was your weekend? I hope you're starting this week out with sunshine ☀️
We had a pretty rough week here last week. I love and respect this place in blogland so much. I have become friends with so many of you and several even more so beyond the blog. This is a special space for me that I have shared many things about my life. I love keeping it positive and light in this space as a general rule for myself. Today, however, I want to share more fully my story as a way to explain what is going on around my home currently. I feel it is finally time to share this with you.
I will start back to why Ad and I split up. Many of you probably remember me talking about his Mom and her alzheimers, which eventually led to her death. When she was starting to get bad Ad was struggling and what I now realize also included a mid life crisis that changed completely who he is in many profound ways. For those that don't know, Adam was my high school sweetheart. We had been together since we were 16. He was my best friend, love of my life, partner in everything and husband. When we had been together for close to 30 years, and he was acting differently, I found out he had been having an affair. This was about 4 years ago. He showed such remorse, shared about untreated depression he had and I had such love and compassion for him that I forgave him and we agreed to work on our marriage. I fought so hard for our family. He never really tried and I finally had to realize our marriage wasn't going to work anymore. I have worked very hard to still be kind to him and try to have a good relationship for the sakes of the kids. The kids have been with me 97% of the time through all of this. We give them the choice and that is what they have chosen. I have worked hard to teach them the importance of forgiveness and understanding and had encouraged them to work to build their relationships with their dad in their own ways. And throughout the past years of separation and eventual divorce, he had reassured me and my kids over and over that the woman he was with (whom we know) was not in his life that way anymore. Because at times I would still hear things about him, and I knew he babysat her dogs sometimes - but when confronted he would get angry, tell me he is always alone and go on to say things that made me feel for him and even worry about him being okay. This manipulation of me has gone on for years now and made it difficult for me to move on in my own life and relationships. I am the person I am and couldn't help caring about him, giving him a lot of credit for still being a good man and most of all for the kids' sakes. Well through certain circumstances I very recently found out directly from her they have still been involved and she thinks he's ashamed of her and why he's hiding her. He is a prominent businessman and I know when things came out he was incredibly embarrassed and ashamed because he became the cliche he always used to condemn in others: she was his secretary, literally half his age (she is young enough to be his daughter and closer to our son's age and he's 20), and covered with a sleeve of tattoos (in the past he expressed that he thought tattoos unprofessional). I know Adam did love me in the past and was always proud of me and the person I am - a college educated woman who left my career in social work and gave my life to this family, and he always said I was an amazing mom to our kids, and he would say how loving and caring I was - even caring for his Mom for years. So I understand that he's not proud of this relationship with her and all it represents. He stated through the years to me he never loved her or saw her as a forever kind of person to him. He would often say things about me being lucky I'm such a good person with lots to offer someone again someday, but that he won't have that because of the person he is and story he'd have to share. I do pity him. But I am grateful that all the manipulation he has had over me is now over! Like a weight lifted. But this has really hurt the kids and they are more distant from him again. I love them so much and I still make sure they know they need their Dad and I am encouraging them to know he loves them and that they need him in their lives. But we are both letting them call the shots and give them space as needed. My heart breaks for their pain. And I have had my own feelings of humiliation because when I would hear things about him, even in divorce, I would always defend him to others. So this past week old wounds were reopened (it has felt like a 2nd betrayal), but also my eyes were opened to who he truly has become, and now I can move on. I fully accept reality and that I don't need to worry about him anymore. I have made sure the kids know I will always be here for them and they will always be my priority. That they are loved beyond measure and everything will be okay. But I needed to share that it has been a big blow to us. Almost a new grief that will take its own time to heal. I ask for prayers for my kiddos and their healing and hopefully a healthy relationship with Ad again one day. And I ask for prayers for Ad because I think he needs them most of all. And I am grateful for how he has continued to provide for us and help me with things around the house. He has been very good about his obligations and I have appreciated that. And I know I will be fine. I have my God and my faith, which has been my strength and absolute grace through all of this. I also have the best family and very close friends that have been there for me through it all.
Thank you for letting me share. And for your love and support through all of these years in so many ways. I still want this to be a space of joy for me and that is where my focus will lie. But it feels great and freeing to finally share more of my life with you, my dear friends, who have become close with me here in this space. I treasure you all!
Now onto this new day and the week ahead...
THE WEATHER OUTSIDE IS:
ON THE BREAKFAST PLATE THIS MORNING
buttered toast, coffee
HOW I AM FEELING THIS MORNING:
I am feeling free and ready for true healing and new beginnings 😊
ON MY MIND:
How much I love my kids and that I just want them okay. How happy I am that they have still been thriving and that is because of me. I have had a strength I never knew was in me these past 4 years. But I know it has come from the Lord above and I praise Him so much for that. 🙏 I have had several women, I hardly knew before, reach out to me these past few years sharing their similar stories with me. Asking me advice how I had been able to forgive and handle things with grace and some of them have become very good friends of mine. As one said to me recently, we have been in the same war and that has bonded us.
AS I LOOK AROUND THE HOUSE
The sun is shining in and it has felt so nice to have warmer, milder temps to enjoy and be outside with Ruby.
CURRENTLY READING
I haven't started a new book yet, have been reading some new magazines I picked up
ON THE TV TODAY:
Spring Baking Championship, Escape to the Chateau on HGTV, the Resident, The Chase, The Hustler, Miss Scarlet and the Duke, American Housewife, This is Us, The Rookie, Men in Kilts: a roadtrip with Sam & Graham (from Outlander), When Calls the Heart
ON THE MENU THIS WEEK:
MONDAY - ?? maybe clean out the fridge
TUESDAY - banh mi meatball bowls (HF meal)
WEDNESDAY - nacho chip crusted chicken, green pepper rice & fixings (HF meal)
THURSDAY - easy night (hockey) - subway?
FRIDAY - roasted garlic & zucchini flatbreads with white sauce, mozzarella & grape tomatoes (HF meal)
TO RELAX THIS WEEK I WILL:
dive into a movie, hang with my Mom, maybe lunch with a friend, enjoy the sunshine
FROM THE CAMERA:
One of my good friends that has been through the same "war" was there for me this past difficult week and sent me these gorgeous flowers. I have been doing lots of weeping in gratitude for the wonderful folks in my life
My Bro and SIL lost one of their dogs a few months ago. And they just reserved this adorable husky puppy! 💕
The power went out here this weekend and the kiddos and I lit lots of candles, built a fort in the living room, got Aaron's camping lantern and played goofy games in the dark. It turned out to be a pretty special night.
I threw myself into cleaning out my closet this weekend, getting rid of things and lots of reorganization.
PRAYER LIST:
I pray for an end to this virus. For peace, healing and unity in our world. I pray for anyone sick, suffering, isolated, and afraid - for their peace and comfort. Please Lord give strength to those fighting the virus on the frontlines. 🙏 And may the vaccines continue to help the numbers go down and life become more normal.
For my family and all we're going through right now. For all the women that are going through the same kinds of betrayal and pain. I pray for their strength and grace in getting through it and for their healing out the other side.